The Difficult Question

First, and foremost let me apologize up top for some of the language I'm going to use; despite the fact that I have a rather extensive vocabulary some things can only be best stated with expletives and street vernacular...with that being said, here goes...

You ever have someone hit you with something so real that the shit leaves you looking and acting like you've just been hit by Mike Tyson? It wasn't a bad thing, just unexpected, and it was so real and honest that it bought up a ton of emotions for me. The people who know me know that anger is the emotion that is most readily available; but, the crazy part of it is that  now that I'm older the anger is no longer displaced...I'm not fighting, raging or thumping on someone..I can't get too excited though because my anger is played out in other ways.

I've been told a lot of my communication is passive aggressive and I would have to agree. I grew up with an physically abusive, alcoholic father. He came with the added bonus of being a Master Sergeant in the Army...saying all this to say that I was in a situation that left me very vulnerable to physical harm so I learned and utilized the power in words; I've been using them ever since only now they are cathartic and healing.

Early childhood was hell. My earliest memories of my father were not healthy so in that I learned not to trust; what modern day psychologist call attachment disorder. My father was like the Dr. Doolittle creature , the  push me- pull you in his extreme moods; it was like living with two different people and you never knew who was going to show up or how rapidly the personalities were going to shift. As I got older I was able to see that a lot of his bullshit was to create an excuse to get out of the house to go be with one of his many women but as a child the situation was very chaotic and deregulating.

  I had a connection to my mom but it was interrupted every time my father decided to put mitts on her.  My mother couldn't really connect because she was the sole provider for 3 kids, was hyper vigilant in protecting her kids and walking on egg shells, always scanning for my father's mood shifts. A trait I now possess.

My mom was by no means a saint in all the interactions. There were many arguments and situations created by the dysfunctional back and forth "got cha's" they engaged in. I can't tell you how many times they "packed" for one another to get out - packing consisted of throwing each other's clothes out the door, dresser drawers and all  and then sending the kids out to pick them up. I can't tell you how many screaming matches happened in the presence of the kids. I can't tell you how many family outings lasted for maybe an hour, if even that long, because of the dysfunction.  I remember a couple of SUPER dysfunctional incidents as if they happened yesterday. The first one, was my birthday, my father and mother had been promising to take us to a local amusement park to celebrate. We get all dressed up and wait....my father, who had the regular habit of spending nights outside the house, showed up hours late, in a new car. (he didn't work on a regular basis, so how did he get a new car? But, that's a different story) We all pile in and go to the amusement park but we ride NOTHING and only get to see what he wanted to go to. The trip in the car lasted longer than the time in the park. The second incident, the constant, non-stop barrage of insults about my appearance and when he got tired he encouraged my brother to continue. This eventually led to what I call gladiator entertainment for my father. The constant insults and harassment from my brother eventually led to fisticuffs which my father, like a twisted emperor,  seemed to enjoy. The best possible description of my father is to define him in psychological terms - a classic sociopath with a few psychopathic traits ( he was cruel to our pets)!

 (A sociopath can be defined as a person who has Antisocial Personality Disorder. This disorder is characterized by a disregard for the feelings of others, a lack of remorse or shame, manipulative behavior, unchecked egocentricity, and the ability to lie in order to achieve one's goals)

Fast forward to present day, like I said I no longer respond to situations with anger and rage. But I did not come out of the situation unscathed. I still harbor resentments about it all; which relates to the difficult question that was asked to make me get into this glimpse into my life.

 At one point as a kid I struggled with depression...now, seriously what kid should have to deal with depression? I can see if it was a chemical imbalance and/or heredity but it's just crazy to deal with it as a result of some else's bullshit. I fought and overcame a rigidity in behavior that resembled OCD, that military Bull...., I'm not army strong, I wasn't in the army and there is no reason why I should be in basic during my youth.

 I still suffer from free floating anxiety and feelings of inadequacy, my self esteem is in constant flux...all things I can deal with...I have the tools

What I need to work on is releasing the resentments and to be honest on some levels I have; I've forgiven the people;  but what I really need to DEAL with is why is it that I can recount these stories like they are playing out in the moment..what do they serve me?!

Thank God my job has trainings and seminars with the experts...one such expert, who I talk to on a regular basis is a Childhood Developmental Psychologist and teacher at Mills College, Dr. Linda Perez. She has provided answers to my situation in many of her trainings. The following link will give some insight into what I'm experiencing as an adult...the thing is that I just have to utilize what I know (learned) to thwart the "hot thoughts."

http://auburnpub.com/news/local/secondhand-victims-children-who-witness-domestic-violence/article_4d62e861-0f4e-585e-8765-cf221003ecfc.html