I had all but disconnected from the
Earth after my former girlfriend had passed away. I was listening to all the
sympathies being extended to my kids and the rest of the family but I just
could not connect or relate of any of the goings on. My mind was replaying my
life, our life and I was awash with a flood of emotion and I could not grab a
single one that would help me in the current situation. I was on an emotional
thrill ride that would only permit for screams.
I thought I would spend the rest of
my life with my former girlfriend but my
romantic nature and fairy tale "happily ever after attitude" had
rendered me delusional. Never underestimate the power of denial. I ignored all
the red flags of discontent until her infidelity shifted from the emotional
level to the physical. After that bomb
was dropped our relationship went from peaches and cream to Lemony Snicket, a
series of unfortunate events; we shifted from tolerating one another to no
contact at all in about 2 years time.
Don't get me wrong I tried to look
past the infidelity; I tried, two long hard years, to get back to some sense of
normalcy but my wounds went deeper than I imagined. I'd been with someone for a
good number of years, 16, off and on, and they chose to hurt me with what I
considered the ULTIMATE betrayal. Not only did she cheat but there were the
elaborate lies and stories that were told to cover of the deed. Our kids were
exposed to the madness; she had birthed the kids but I had been their other
parent for a good number of years. I was co-provider, parent, chauffeur, cook,
teacher and Santa Claus. I made sure things didn't fall through the cracks for
the kids. When my former girlfriend got sick I talked her into being near her
family; she resisted because she harbored long standing, deep seeded
resentments for years but she finally came to the conclusion that I was right
and acquiesced. I made sure that she kept her personal belongings by paying her
storage bills for a couple of years. I bought groceries.
Don't get me wrong, I am by no
means a saint but I am not a cruel asshole either. I don't say I love you and
then turn around and act like I don't know you or if the person never mattered.
I had a parent, my dad, who lived in the house and never, not once contributed
anything to my well being in 17 years. The man never purchased school clothes,
groceries, paid rent, bought a birthday present...zip, nada, nothing in 17
years. I know what life is like for a single mother so I am never going to do
anything to subtract from the dynamic; kids need to have a sense of safety and
connection. I will never leave a legacy of chaos like I grew up in.
Let
me rewind to the beginning when things were a fairy tale. I was just chilling
in my apartment and for the most part,
enjoying the single life. I was 1 year out of a relationship. I made it a point
to take some down time for myself after I ended something; just a habit I began
to give my spirit time to just heal and regroup. I had hooked up with a rather
selfish woman, I went for the "cute" and that's truly all she was. We
parted ways after I discovered that she was a serial cheater..the gut punch was
that she used me to help her pay for insemination and had planned on going AWOL
had she gotten pregnant. Yup, I can pick
'em. At any rate my delicate
constitution was spared and I was free. I was also in transition. I bought a
car and due to the high cost of living in this damn city I had to go from having my own apartment to
assuming a life with roomies. I had made the transition of houses and had dated a woman briefly through two moves but there
was nothing that spoke of roots or permanence.
I
got tired of the work to home routine and the club scene no longer fit my
lifestyle and or how I wanted to be known. I'd down my time in the clubs and I
had a ball but my life in its many machinations had placed me on a spiritual
path. I was attending seminary and I didn't want a club and a spiritual persona,
long story short, I had no place for a dichotomous lifestyle. Enter new
technology...AOL had introduced and hyped their chat rooms and lo and behold I
was catapulted into a whole new world.
Enter Katy Ann (not her real name...gotta keep some things to myself)
Katy Ann was one of the most sweetest, kindest people I had ever known. We
talked back and forth in the chat rooms for about 3 months before she would
even give me her phone number. This was
before universal long distance and lawd have mercy $300 and $400 phone bills
damn near killed me. Each conversation led to a bit more revelation and insight
and before I knew it we were talking about the "we". What I didn't
know was that someone had given her a ring, her first true love that she had
known since age 12, (first red flag) but had all but had virtually disappeared;
she shared that one night during a tearful conversation. She also Fed-Ex'd the
ring back to end things to say that she was free and clear to be with me. We made plans to meet for the first time but
she lived a great number of miles away so air travel was involved. (long
distance relationship second red flag) I was so excited I was finally going to
have a face to face meeting with the woman who stole my heart. I got a haircut,
detailed my car, dressed in my finest and headed to the airport. I cannot tell
you how many nerves and butterflies were churning and driving my excitement; One of my best buddy's threw a monkey wrench in
the works just prior to my heading out
of the house when she asked if I thought I had a REAL picture. Katy Ann intensified
my condition by allowing everyone to deplane, including stewardesses prior to
her exiting. You know how cheesy movies
have romantic music playing in the background and the lead character moving in
slow motion? I had all that when she got off the plane. I greeted her with the
longing , hungry kiss that was the driving topic of many of our late night
conversations. We went out to dinner and stared longingly into each other's
eyes. I don't even recall the restaurant or what we ordered and I'm pretty sure
we both came home with full food containers. What I do know is that the night and
the next day was filled with magic and music.
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