Is it me? Have I reached the official launching stage where
I’ve turned into an “old head”? There’s a point in life where the time
continuum shifts and you turn into your parents. I have reached that stage. I
am making an official declaration and I am claiming it!
How do I know that I’ve crossed over? I have developed a
list of pet peeves.
The list is as follows: (I’m sure I’ll be updating it)
1) People
who use social networking sites to air their dirty laundry or to put people on
blast.
(Use you cell phone and make a
call to the person who offended you….you had no problem texting it. Better yet
save yourself the text time and use it for a therapy session because passive
aggressive communication requires an intervention.)
2) I’m
not discussing Arizona or discrimination when I say this; this message is for
all the people who cannot string a sentence together…if English is your
language PLEASE USE IT!
(Um is not a word. I had an
English teacher that said “Um is like a car idling and most cars do not need
warming up!” Profanity and slang have no place in the business environment and
are indicative of a limited vocabulary. (this sounds harsh and stodgy but you’d
be surprised with what people feel is socially acceptable…ever ask why they can
say ass and bitch on TV but mention God and people lose their minds.))
3) Don’t
try to use words you can’t pronounce…stick with what you know! (As they say in
recovery – Keep It Simple Stupid…and stupid is what you sound like when you
mispronounce or use words out of context.)
4) Learn
to quote things in their proper context if you must use quotes. I hear this
almost daily and it just about sends me into orbit “You hit the hammer on the
nail!” Now I ask you just how ass-backwards is that? I hear it so often that it
almost slipped out of my mouth. We all know how to use a hammer damn it! My
jeopardy answer is WHAT IS THE NAIL ON THE HEAD? I’d like to use a hammer
(cartoon mallet) every time I hear this misquote.
5) We
give common courtesy too much credit. Ride the #9, #42, #49, #38 bus and you’ll
find out just how uncommon courtesy is. Some public transit riders were
siblings to Romulus
and Remus (raised by wolves.) Please,
please, please excuse yourself for whatever bodily function you’re about to
engage in and inflict upon unsuspecting passengers or passersby.
6) Please
enunciate words ending with the letters TH – F is not a substitute! There is no
such thing as a baffroom. Dem, deese and
dose are words for a bad comedy routine.
7) Putting
together an ensemble and coordinating colors and patterns is a beautiful thing
when done in a tasteful, stylish manner but don’t come out of the house looking
like you’ve raided the clown closet at Ringling Brothers. You all know what I
mean; “Now & Later Gators”, coordinating hair weaves, suits with so many
buttons you look like a ghetto fabulous Dressy Bessy, $120 tennis shoes for
every outfit – please note that Nike only cares about sales and I’m sure that
the kid who made 11 cents (working from
can to can’t) sewing the shoes really reaped a major windfall in stock options
with your purchases. Now, explain to me what exactly it is that you do for a
living that you can even afford all the Nike’s? Are you going to put them in a
safe deposit box for your retirement?
8) I
just get all bunched up in dealing with people who get paid grand theft money
for doing “work simulation” for 8 hours while you’re busting your hump day in
and day out. You know the type….the people who don’t have a clue but start
sentences off with “I just want to pick your brain on something…” I can tell
you this much…they’d better come up with another ruse because I immediately
turn into the scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz when I hear this bullsh*t!
9) I
really have no time for people who are so spiritual that they are no Earthly
good. HELLO! You’re not proselytizing you’re just way over into “I have a
judgment for you but I’ll wrap it in scripture and beat you with it.” Don’t be
a misguided missionary…meet people at their point of need and leave them to
work out their own salvation. Walk the talk and they will notice.
10) MUSIC! My God what has happened to music?
Music is now considered talking over someone’s computer generated artistry.
Music should now be sold in a brown wrapper behind the counter with all the
other vile and graphic media. Where are the musicians? Where is the allusion? I
don’t want to hear the Ying Yang Twins whisper. I’m sure things are right with
Lil’ Jon (OK). I don’t want to see P-Diddy dancing in a video just because he
reps the artist. Give me a good ol’ singer and musician any time (Heatwave,
Brass Construction, ConFunkShun, The Commodores, Rose Royce, Prince, De Barge,
Switch, Lenny Williams, Marvin Gaye, The Temptations, Aretha Franklin, The
Ventures, The Rolling Stones, The Beatles, The Doors, The Who, Creedence Clearwater
Revival, Janis Joplin)… mention any of those artists and you’ll get an opinion
about music…the stuff they’re trying to pass off is bogus...THANK GOD for the handful of people who perform today who believe in musicianship and artistry..
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