Crazy Little Thing By: KB © 10.31.14

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I read this devotional from Our Daily Bread and it just confirmed so many things that have been flooding my brain and that I have been working through for some time now. This “crazy little thing called love” is not so crazy after all it’s just that we’re not willing to see or accept it as it should be.

Love is not as elusive and as exclusive as we like to tell ourselves. Real honest to goodness love is selfless. Real honest to goodness love is when you put the other person’s happiness and well being above your own and they will do the same for you, it works.

We have somehow gotten away from this very basic concept with a “what have you done for me lately?” mindset. Real honest to goodness love keeps no tabs and hold no grudges. We must learn to forgive…not for the other person but for ourselves and our spiritual well being.

I read something the other day that made me laugh out loud because it was a perfect example of how we view love. I’ll paraphrase the basics:

  1)     Do you love me?

  2)    I’d take a NERF bullet for you

We run or get bitter and hold resentments when we are called upon to make personal sacrifices in love. We keep tabs and wait for the payback. We believe that life is not supposed to intrude on our happiness. (the word happiness is another preach, for another time) We believe that who we choose should respond to situations the way that we would or want them to.

We must go after God with the same zeal and intensity as we go after who we desire. We must guide and develop the maturation of our understanding of what it means to love.

John 3: 16-17

16 For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. 17 For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved.

 John 15: 13 – 17

13 Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. 14 You are my friends if you do what I command. 15 I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. 16 You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you. 17 This is my command: Love each other.

The greatest gift of this life is to be able to lead in a relationship in such a way that reflects Christ and His love for you.

Last but by no means least….

1 If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

1 Corinthians 13 is the perfect definition of real honest to goodness love ….I embrace it an I am no longer willing to take imitations, knock off’s, close enough, good enough or reasonable facsimiles….I am promised a full inheritance.

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Gospel Mercenary By: KB © 2014

Is it mission or mercenary?

You can’t tell me that God is not for me

Are you saying what you saying out of care?

Or do you have me caught in your cross-hairs?

I’m just asking if you have the gospel to impart?

Or you’re just aiming for the heart?

Are you seeking to enlighten me?

or to preach a word of misery

Tell me how many souls have you won

When you preach behind a hateful gun?

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A Hemorrhoid By: KB © 2014

She was like a hemorrhoid

She made may a** hurt

I swear to God she irritated me

I hated to go to work

She was like a hemorrhoid

I know this poem lacks class

But swear to God that she is a pain in the a**

She was like a hemorrhoid

She makes my ass itch

I swear I try to get to get along but she’s a raging bitch

Booger By: KB © 10.28.14

I am in a meeting

This shit is crazy, I can’t believe I am exposed

I just watched a grown ass woman

Mine for gold in her nose

Not just a simple pick

She was wrist, in it deep

I thought she was going to touch her brain

And put herself to sleep

She was rummaging

It must have been good to her

Oh…yuck!! She’s grabbed it

No, it’s her brain not a booger

Partake of the Affliction By: KB © 10.27.14

Have you ever read something over and over again and really give it no deep, serious, reflective thought until something really jumps out at you and slaps your brain awake?

I just had that happen. I was going to quote a line of Scripture in a poem when the very next verse screamed at me ….. 

So the verse is 2 Timothy 1:7  For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

Then I really read verse 8  Be not thou therefore ashamed of the testimony of our Lord, nor of me his prisoner: but be thou partaker of the afflictions of the gospel according to the power of God;

And I had to ask myself, How do I partake of the affliction? Affliction!!! I head the other way when something hints at the slightest bit of discomfort. I thought about this question for a long while and then I thought about James 1:2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds… and the Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

So I do partake in the affliction. I have learned to sit, however painful, however uncomfortable, however it makes me mad, cry…I deal with it all because I know that God is all in it and goes through it with me. I haven’t fully gotten to a place of silence but I do ask for prayer and I do celebrate that God chose me to go through.

His strength shows through in my weakness

The Magic of Love By KB

The magic and the feelings of love are so over looked and underrated. The feelings are so intense, yet, indescribable. I believe that trying to define love is like trying to define perfection; its definition is ever changing and ever evolving. Words cannot begin to describe the pleasures and emotions that love brings.

When love is good, all’s right with the world. You sit around all moonie - eyed waiting for that special someone to walk your way or to call. Forget about concentrating on anything without that person finding their way into your every thought. Butterflies run free in your tummy whenever you hear their voice or they happen to come near. God help you’re doing anything that requires a touch; I all of a sudden become the Scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz (human jello). I also lose my ability to speak at times when I look in and get lost in the eyes of the special somebody (I often hear them laughing at my inability to form sentences or when my voice gets Don Knotts shaky).That special someone has the voice of an angel and when they speak I feel as if they are touching my soul; playing my heart as a virtuoso. I stand in awe of their ability to see and hear things in me that I cannot recognize, both good and bad. I love the fact that this person has open doors in my life and caused me to explore things that I wouldn’t have otherwise chosen to do. I like that this person has prompted me to be a better being and has done so just by their presence (no nagging, game playing or “I’m going to change you” attitude). I love the fact that this person is deeply spiritual and has helped me to reconnect to my Higher Power.

The romantic in me tells me that everyday is Christmas. I strive to keep the “magic” by doing little things just to let the person know just how much they mean to me. (This is a habit that everyone should work on developing-you never know what could happen in someone’s day. I learned to express my feelings late in life so I’m a bit rough around the edges at times, but, at the same time I am so very grateful for the gift of love.)

I am also a realist, when love is bad it can be very bad. I’ve lived on the battlefield of “love gone wrong” and it has really helped me to decide what I will and will not accept from another human being who swears, by all that is holy, to love me. I’ve lived in the trenches for most of my childhood, growing up in a home rife with domestic violence; vowing never to repeat the cycle. The cycle found me: I am ashamed to say that I have at times been angry, aggressive and at times violent (self-defense).  But, I also want to say that the cycle of domestic violence taught me to be a “good codependent” and I chose partners who were needy. (at times substance abusers). The battlefield of “love gone wrong” keeps you in the trenches ever vigilant guarding life, limb and feelings from the weapons of lies and manipulation. I’ve had my heart pierced and crushed in these relationships because I am an incurable romantic and I extended trust to someone who too self serving and did not know how to or intend to protect it.

 

1 Corinthians 13

1 If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am become sounding brass, or a clanging cymbal.

2 And if I have [the gift of] prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.

3 And if I bestow all my goods to feed [the poor], and if I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profiteth me nothing.

4 Love suffereth long, [and] is kind; love envieth not; love vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,

5 doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not its own, is not provoked, taketh not account of evil;

6 rejoiceth not in unrighteousness, but rejoiceth with the truth;

7 beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

8 Love never faileth: but whether [there be] prophecies, they shall be done away; whether [there be] tongues, they shall cease; whether [there be] knowledge, it shall be done away.

9 For we know in part, and we prophesy in part;

10 but when that which is perfect is come, that which is in part shall be done away.

11 When I was a child, I spake as a child, I felt as a child, I thought as a child: now that I am become a man, I have put away childish things.

12 For now we see in a mirror, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know fully even as also I was fully known.

13 But now abideth faith, hope, love, these three; and the greatest of these is love.

I keep repeating this passage of the Bible because it is the best definition of a mature and healthy love

Where am I on the spectrum of love? I am very fortunate and blessed to say that I have someone in my life that I care for very deeply. They embody all that I want and need in a partner…spiritual, kind, and gentle, smart and oh so good looking…..where will it go?

 (Only God knows)….I’m just grateful to my Higher Power for this individual…..

want you to know
You take my breath away
And it's been that way right from the start
I didn't know how to tell you
That I want to love you
With every beat of my heart – (Brian McKnight)

There's nothing better than love
What in the world
could you ever be thinking of
It's better by far
So let yourself reach for that star
And go no matter how far
To the one you love
To love
And I mean all these words I said
And you don't have to guess
what's going on inside me head
Just try to know
All the things that our heart says
Listen to love and always
get love to lead the way
Whenever you love – (Luther Vandross)

Always and forever
Each moment with you
Is just like a dream to me
That somehow came true, yeah

And I know tomorrow
Will still be the same
Cuz we got a life of love
That won't ever change and

Everyday love me your own special way
Melt all my heart away with a smile
Take time to tell me you really care
And we'll share tomorrow together
Ooh baby, I'll always love you forever

Ever, ever, ever
There'll always be sunshine
When I look at you
It's something I can't explain
Just the things that you do
If you get lonely
Call me and take
A second to give to me
That magic you make and

Everyday love me your own special way
Melt all my heart away with a smile
Take time to tell me you really care
And we'll share tomorrow together
Ooh baby, I'll always love you forever – (Heatwave)

Broken Heart A Blog Tale by: KB

Have you ever had your heart broken and no one ever even knew that you were in love?  Pull up a chair let me explain. Well it all started about a year ago. I had just split from my SO (Significant Other – Californians know how to work an acronym) and my boys had decided to take me out to cheer me up. We ended up at the local sports bar. I was kicked back in a booth watching the Knicks getting blown out like used tires. I could hear my crew laughing and flirting while playing “Pop a Shot” basketball – losers pay for the rounds. I was lost in the game and the peripheral conversation when a vision appeared. The waitress was dressed in a Lakers uniform – hated the team but tonight I was going to be a fan. She was delivering the appetizers we ordered and made the mistake of asking me if there would be anything else.

“I would tell you but I don’t feel like being slapped.” I joked. From the moment it left my lips I knew I was going to regret it. I was right. I noticed that her smile had completely disappeared.

“Wait!” I raised my voice and reached for her arm but retracted my hand because I knew if I had touched her it would only make matters worse.

“Wait, seriously.” I begged.

“What? Can I get you something else?” she asked in her annoyed sister-girl tone that only a black woman can.

“I would like a few seconds of you time.” I said sheepishly.

“Well?” she asked patting her foot and rolling her eyes.

I could tell by the way she was talking and doing her attitude machinations that the behavior was totally out of character for her. She didn’t have the hard street edginess to pull it off.

“I just wanted to apologize for what I said just now….it was inappropriate and uncalled for. Hell, it was a joke gone bad…really bad…stink on ice bad …skunk booty bad.” I kept adding to the sentence because I could see a smile break through her tough girl act.

“Apology accepted.” She smiled.

“Thank you very much…eh..” I stammered because I was looking for a name tag.

At that point she sun around to show me the name on her jersey…but my eyes immediately surveyed the woman. She spun again and caught me looking.

“Thanks Takeisha.” I blushed

“No thank you for apologizing.” She giggled at my crimson face as she walked away.

“Yo KC what was that all about?” one of my boys asked as he reached over my shoulder to get a glimpse of the game on the big screen.

“Nothin’ man. It’s been so long since I’ve been out of the house that I’ve forgotten how to talk to women; I had to apologize because I was a little out of pocket with the lady.”

“Well I just happened to catch her walkin’ away …if the front look half as good as the back you better talk to her ‘cause once these boys sit down you know you got some competition.”

“I ain’t even in the game man….and what you doin’ looking? If Wanda even hears your eyeballs moving in your head she’ll have you on lock down.” I teased. Wanda was Boogie’s (Bryce’s – he got the nickname Boogie because the boy can dance his ass off) girl. Wanda was sweet enough and they were a good solid couple but every now and then Wanda would get a bit insecure and lose her mind; she once broke a bottle on a table and threatened a woman like she was in a Wild West saloon.

“Man I am 100% with Wanda but I ain’t blind or dead.” He laughed as he grabbed an appetizer and returned to the intense miniature basketball game.

I returned my attention to the big screen and the basketball game. I was agonizing over the second quarter when I realized that most of my boys were ready to go.

“Yo, KC we gotta jet man….I gotta date,  Wanda is blowing up Boogie’s phone and Robert just hooked up with some girl he said he went to high school with. You know that fool never went to class but we’ll let him work that story for a minute.”

“Ok Jay man…I’m gonna watch the game. Are you guys ok to drive?” I asked as I shook hands and hugged them good bye.

“We’re gonna share a cab. None of us drove because we didn’t know how much we were going to drink.” He laughed

“Alright dude then I’ll see y’all next week at the office.” I said as I sat back down to watch the game.

It was half time. I caught Takeisha’s eye and waved my beer bottle to let her know that I wanted a refill. She smiled and nodded in acknowledgement.

  

The basketball game was in full swing  and deep into the third quarter before Takeisha appeared with my beer.

“I’m sorry it took so long but I had a table of college boys to contend with.” She smiled apologetically and began to clear the table.

“It’s cool, I was so into the game that I had lost all train of thought. I hope the boys were well behaved. I know I didn’t start off to well.” I laughed.

“No, I can’t say you did but I’m kinda warming up to you now. I can come over to the table without giving you my crazy eye.” she teased.

“That’s a good thing Miss Takeisha.”

“Please call me Tee all my friends do.”

“Well, things must be getting better. I get to call you Tee and you put me in the category of friend. My Friends call me KC and that’s short for Kevin Charles…that’s my first and last name not first and middle….and why am I telling you all this like you care.”  We both laughed.

Her eyes sparkled and glistened when she laughed. She had a smile that would challenge the sun for warmth and glow. I could feel my heart being drawn to her in that brief little bubble of time.

“So, tell me Tee if I may be so bold as to ask what do you do when you are not working?”

“Oh, I hit the books and hang out with my friends if I don’t have too much homework.”

“I see, a student huh? I remember those days, not that it was so long ago but I am far enough removed where I don’t go into a panic at the end of August. What year are you in?” I asked

“I’m a senior.”

“Well so you’re almost done. What your major?” I asked smiling in anticipation because in my mind I knew she was going to say something heavy like pre-med or political science.”

“I don’t know yet I haven’t decided.” She said.

“Haven’t decided isn’t your senior year kind of late in the game to decide?” I asked looking at her very quizzically.

“Not really I know people who didn’t decide until their junior year in college.”

Then it dawned on me that I was talking to a high school senior damn it all……..band-aids for the wounded heart that’s back at square one.  

Where by KB 6.27.14

Where does the wind go when it no longer blows?

Where do the stars hide at the end of their nightly show?

Who mends broken hearts disconnected from love so strong?

Who catches the teardrops from love that has gone wrong?

Look past the flash, the distractions, the hurt

just know I was right here all along

Te amo

Love and Tragedy By: KB © 10.26.14

I had all but disconnected from the Earth after my former girlfriend had passed away. I was listening to all the sympathies being extended to my kids and the rest of the family but I just could not connect or relate of any of the goings on. My mind was replaying my life, our life and I was awash with a flood of emotion and I could not grab a single one that would help me in the current situation. I was on an emotional thrill ride that would only permit for screams.

I thought I would spend the rest of my life with my former girlfriend  but my romantic nature and fairy tale "happily ever after attitude" had rendered me delusional. Never underestimate the power of denial. I ignored all the red flags of discontent until her infidelity shifted from the emotional level  to the physical. After that bomb was dropped our relationship went from peaches and cream to Lemony Snicket, a series of unfortunate events; we shifted from tolerating one another to no contact at all in about 2 years time.

Don't get me wrong I tried to look past the infidelity; I tried, two long hard years, to get back to some sense of normalcy but my wounds went deeper than I imagined. I'd been with someone for a good number of years, 16, off and on, and they chose to hurt me with what I considered the ULTIMATE betrayal. Not only did she cheat but there were the elaborate lies and stories that were told to cover of the deed. Our kids were exposed to the madness; she had birthed the kids but I had been their other parent for a good number of years. I was co-provider, parent, chauffeur, cook, teacher and Santa Claus. I made sure things didn't fall through the cracks for the kids. When my former girlfriend got sick I talked her into being near her family; she resisted because she harbored long standing, deep seeded resentments for years but she finally came to the conclusion that I was right and acquiesced. I made sure that she kept her personal belongings by paying her storage bills for a couple of years. I bought groceries.

Don't get me wrong, I am by no means a saint but I am not a cruel asshole either. I don't say I love you and then turn around and act like I don't know you or if the person never mattered. I had a parent, my dad, who lived in the house and never, not once contributed anything to my well being in 17 years. The man never purchased school clothes, groceries, paid rent, bought a birthday present...zip, nada, nothing in 17 years. I know what life is like for a single mother so I am never going to do anything to subtract from the dynamic; kids need to have a sense of safety and connection. I will never leave a legacy of chaos like I grew up in.

             Let me rewind to the beginning when things were a fairy tale. I was just chilling in my apartment and  for the most part, enjoying the single life. I was 1 year out of a relationship. I made it a point to take some down time for myself after I ended something; just a habit I began to give my spirit time to just heal and regroup. I had hooked up with a rather selfish woman, I went for the "cute" and that's truly all she was. We parted ways after I discovered that she was a serial cheater..the gut punch was that she used me to help her pay for insemination and had planned on going AWOL had she gotten pregnant.  Yup, I can pick 'em.  At any rate my delicate constitution was spared and I was free. I was also in transition. I bought a car and due to the high cost of living in this damn city  I had to go from having my own apartment to assuming a life with roomies. I had made the transition of houses and had dated  a woman briefly through two moves but there was nothing that spoke of roots or permanence.

             I got tired of the work to home routine and the club scene no longer fit my lifestyle and or how I wanted to be known. I'd down my time in the clubs and I had a ball but my life in its many machinations had placed me on a spiritual path. I was attending seminary and I didn't want a club and a spiritual persona, long story short, I had no place for a dichotomous lifestyle. Enter new technology...AOL had introduced and hyped their chat rooms and lo and behold I was catapulted into a whole new world.  Enter Katy Ann (not her real name...gotta keep some things to myself) Katy Ann was one of the most sweetest, kindest people I had ever known. We talked back and forth in the chat rooms for about 3 months before she would even give me her phone number.  This was before universal long distance and lawd have mercy $300 and $400 phone bills damn near killed me. Each conversation led to a bit more revelation and insight and before I knew it we were talking about the "we". What I didn't know was that someone had given her a ring, her first true love that she had known since age 12, (first red flag) but had all but had virtually disappeared; she shared that one night during a tearful conversation. She also Fed-Ex'd the ring back to end things to say that she was free and clear to be with me.  We made plans to meet for the first time but she lived a great number of miles away so air travel was involved. (long distance relationship second red flag) I was so excited I was finally going to have a face to face meeting with the woman who stole my heart. I got a haircut, detailed my car, dressed in my finest and headed to the airport. I cannot tell you how many nerves and butterflies were churning and driving my excitement;  One of my best buddy's threw a monkey wrench in  the works just prior to my heading out of the house when she asked if I thought I had a REAL picture. Katy Ann intensified my condition by allowing everyone to deplane, including stewardesses prior to her exiting.  You know how cheesy movies have romantic music playing in the background and the lead character moving in slow motion? I had all that when she got off the plane. I greeted her with the longing , hungry kiss that was the driving topic of many of our late night conversations. We went out to dinner and stared longingly into each other's eyes. I don't even recall the restaurant or what we ordered and I'm pretty sure we both came home with full food containers. What I do know is that the night and the next day was filled with magic and music.

Dreaming By: KB © 6.25.05

Damn, I want to make love to you

But you have someone, there’s nothing I can do…..

The days are long

And my nights ain’t right

I seem to get through them

By holding my pillow tight

I keep hearing your voice soft as humming bird wings

And imagining it in my ear

Warm breaths forming words

Speaking passion that draws me near

Deeply Wounded By kb ©2008

I've been bombarded by people struggling with questions related to letting go of the past, bad relationships, death and various hurts. I found this reading in Just for Today and it wouldn't be a blog if I didn't add my 2₵ worth of advice. I hope this helps give insight to the work that needs to be done.

Love And Addiction

"Some of us first saw the effects of addiction on the people closest to us. We were very dependent on them to carry us through life. We felt angry disappointed, and hurt when they found other interests, friends, and loved ones."

Basic Text p. 7

Addiction affected every area of our lives. Just as we sought the drug that would make everything alright, so we sought people to fix us. We made impossible demands, driving away those who had anything of worth to offer us. Often, the only people left were those who were themselves too needy to be capable of denying our unrealistic expectations. It's no wonder that we were unable to establish and maintain healthy intimate relationships in our addiction.

Today, in recovery, we've stopped expecting drugs to fix us. If we still expect people to fix us, perhaps it's time to extend our recovery program to our relationships. We begin by admitting we have a problem—that we don't know the first thing about how to have healthy intimate relationships. We seek out members who've had similar problems and have found relief. We talk with them and listen to what they share about this aspect of their recovery. We apply the program to all our affairs, seeking the same kind of freedom in our relationships that we find throughout our recovery.

Just for today: Loving relationships are within my reach. Today, I will examine the effects of addiction on my relationships so that I can begin seeking recovery.

pg. 95

Just For Today Page of NAWORKS.org

We are drawn to people that we “connect with” on a mental and emotional level.  That is, we gravitate toward the familiar.  In other words, we have this innate sense of connection to people who “mirror” our same energies.  We base our relationships on our earliest representation- our parents.

"Codependents have a tendency to focus on the wants, needs and short comings of others.  Creating an inner conflict, the need to let go of focusing others and to direct those “relationship” energies to start focusing on the inner self  in order to understand what is happening.  Our behavior patterns, the people we are attracted to and who are attracted to us, are symptoms of our childhood hurts.  A symptom cannot be treated without exploring the cause.  Treating the symptoms is not the same as developing a cure.

One of the things to note is that we get involved with people who are unavailable because we are unavailable.

 We need to let go of the “Happily Ever After” delusion. We are not “starter set” waiting for that someone to complete us – where the line makes good copy for Jerry Mcguire, it’s not real life.  We need to put emphasis on self, developing insight and creating a path for healing the emotional wounds that caused us to continuously select people who can not meet our emotional needs and only serve to create deeper emotional scars.  We need to develop some healthy emotional intimacy with ourselves.

Seek Ye First

REAL TALK from KB: But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. (Matthew 6:33)

At some point in time all "believers" recite this passage of Scripture...but before I get into what I'm going to say let met prepare you of the fact that I'm going to work my statement backwards - going from the last point to the word itself.

Let's look at the term believer - what do you really believe? Is it possible to pick and choose what part of the word that you're going to apply to your life if you are a "believer?"  The question that I continue to challenge myself and my friends with is - Do you trust God to work and move in your life?

My last question then leads me to the text and a new set of questions - If you are a believer and If you trust God , Do you seek Him?

I personally, have made a major shift in my faith and how I approach God and make faith walk.  A bout with cancer made me really lean into the word. Through all the emotional upheaval I learned that my faith was unshakable. Shortly after the cancer diagnosis, surgery and medical madness. I learned that someone very near and dear was sick and dying. The person was extremely angry with me and had stopped speaking to me because guilt and hard feelings but God allowed me  to remain a friend and a support throughout the ordeal. Now don't get me wrong, I am by no means a saint in the situation - my anger and resentments fed into the miscommunication and disconnect as well but I am not a cruel person, I was blessed with healing and I truly believe that God instructed and allowed me to "pay it forward"

It was through my healing that I was allowed to be used. It was through my own dark time and dark attitude that God was able to shine through. It was through my own stinking thinking that God allowed me to make amends. Nothing made sense to me during  this time but I had made up my mind to seek God first. I can say that in the practice, believe me, it is a practice, my love for God has grown deeper and I can  see, hear and feel His presence in my life.

Seek Him first!!!!

You By KB © 6.23.05

You

indelibly etched in my memory banks

brush strokes of my mind

work of art in flesh and bone

a work of art that has not been touched by time

You

a woman of style and substance

a woman of ways and means

Let me be a compliment to you

Let me meet your needs

My Heart By KB © 8/2005

My heart should not talk to my head…

Not that I should become an automaton

Operating on instinct without feeling…

but I know my heart should not talk to my head….

Because my head is a jealous girlfriend that has never known love

And will do anything to keep my heart from going there.

My heart should not talk to my head

My heart should keep secrets…..not that it has anything to hide

But my head is a lot like the Evil Sir Nose – devoid of funk,

My head never learned to swim….couldn’t comprehend the meaning of the stroke (you know what I mean)

My heart should not talk to my head

Because love defies the intellect

Intellect, like a worn down decathlete, fails to clear the two foot hurdle from the head to the heart

Causes you to fall and be disqualified

I drink you in © kb 6.25.05

*NOTE:*  ADULT CONTENT ….you read my stuff because you like my stuff. I live my life out and proud!!!

I drink you in

Morning dew on a flower pedal

I drink you in

Ice cubes on a hot day

I drink you in

Rainy days in a summers’ heat

I drink you in

Clothes that cling accentuating every curve and line of your body

Thirst building, heavy breathing, parched throat

I want to tastes you on my lips

The funky, sweet nectar found in your hips

I drink you in

Throwing Shade By © KB 1.19.05

Fair skinned freckled

Yellow

Redbone

Copper-toned

Caramel colored

Butterscotch

Bronze

Brown

Sepia

Black

Blue-black

Bl-urple

Shades of a people wronged, ravaged and raped.

Shades of a people worked and then denied.

Shades of a people that made the land

Shades of a people overlooked

Braid the shades and it is a fabric so strong that it could never be destroyed.

Love Poem By kb © 8/2005

I love you….is poetry enough to an anticipating ear

I love you ….words embraced by an open heart

I need words a heart longs to hear.

I love you, I need you please stay near.

Betrayal By KB © 2005

My life is the epitome of betrayal

I am and have been defined as pickaninny, gall, negra, negro, colored, black

And now it’s African American (all my other isms be damned)

Now I ask you, how can I be African American when the only Africa I've been exposed to is in a Tarzan movie?

A Kunta Kinte fool who is a white “folly-wood” depiction.

An Amistad “give us free” beggin’ negro.

Beggin’ for human decency.

A Denzel in Glory led by a well meaning white man operating in the guilt and shame of his forefathers.

Last hired, first fired brown skin forced to assimilate in order to fit in.

Reparation paid to other nations……now I ask you what does America owe me?

Find Me In the Club (pgs. 14 -16)

4

                Revelation

                I awoke to the sounds of my mother’s “pan music” in the kitchen. I called the familiar rattle of pots and pans pan music because she could make a meal sing and this morning it was like I was hearing Mariah Carey hitting all the high notes.  I smelled ham and honey biscuits. I got up and made my bed and headed off to the shower. I heard the doorbell but I paid it no mind figuring it was a contractor coming in to work on the back of the house. I was surprised to see Roni when I walked back into my room.

“Hey! What you doin’ here so early?’

“I smelled your mama’s breakfast cookin’ and I invited myself over.”

“Shut the hell up….and get your butt up off my bed I just made it!”

“Yo, just put some clothes on ….we ain't in the locker room. Plus, I hear them honey biscuits screaming my name.”

“You only eat breakfast with me every so often and it’s usually when you and your grandmother get into it. So what went down today?”

“It all ties into your call last night but we can talk about it on the way to school…let’s go eat I’m hungry as hell.”

I hurried and dressed and we bolted downstairs to find two huge plates of ham, eggs and honey biscuits.

“Ma, you haven’t burned like this since the holidays. We should have moved Madea in several years ago if I knew it would get you workin’ like this” I said giving my mother a peck on the cheek.

“And I would have let you both adopt me.” Roni said following in kind.

“Y’all sit down and eat before it gets cold.” She said standing back to watch us take it all in.

We ate in relative silence; mom was hovering about. After breakfast we rinsed our dishes and grabbed our backpacks to head out the door.

“I’ll be later than usual moms, I have a meeting and practice. I’ll call you when I’m headed out.” I called back over my shoulder as we closed the door.

“So what’s the deal Roni?” I asked rather gruffly.

“Damn what you mad at cuz? Why you got all the bass tones?”

“I apologize for sounding mad but I’m a little pissed that I had to get an email to find out that there was a secret. You tell me everything!”

“I know D but this thing here is deep; it ain’t no big deal to me but it’s turning into one. I came over for breakfast because someone got to my grandmother with this bullshit and it has taken on a life of its own.”

“Sorry, Roni, man, I know how your grandmother can get all up holy and forget that she’s here on Earth.”

“Before I break it down let me ask you was Tanya the first person to email you?”

“Yeah! How did you know?”

“That broad started this shit because she mad.”

“What is she mad about?”

“Seriously D, you don’t know? “

“What am I supposed to be knowing?”

“Alright, long story short. I’m gay. I was trying to get at Tanya’s best friend and Tanya had been blockin’ for weeks. She caught me and ol’ girl hemmed up and went bat shit crazy. We was just talkin’ but standin’ real close and here she come putting shit on blast with stereo.”

I wasn't shocked. I wasn't much of anything because I never thought of Roni as anything but my best friend. We never discussed sex, sexuality or anything that had to do with romance. We always talked about who we thought was cute and who wore the hell outta whatever outfit but I truly never thought of her as a sexual being; hearing her identify hit close to home because the declaration bought a lot of questions up for me.

Senior year was officially kicked off with DRAMA; my primary focus shifted from the trivial, who's wearing what and what's the last math assignment to issues of sexuality, acceptance and humanity. I was concerned about my friend and how she would be treated but deep down I was more concerned about me. I had never even given thought to sexuality but her revelation made me quietly question myself.

The day was grueling. The was a definitive buzz in the cafeteria; nodding acquaintances and faces from the game day bleachers now wanted to stop and chat.

Tanya and her entourage entered the cafeteria just as we were about to enjoy our meals in the limelight of stares and whispers. She sent one of her minions to get her lunch as she made it a point to sit at our table.

"Hey Deni, how are you? Did you get my email?" she asked in a sickening sweet tone all the while shooting dirty looks at Roni.

I could feel all eyes gravitating to our lunch table so I had to proceed with caution.

"Yeah, I got your email and did you get my response? Since we're all sitting right here let's discuss it."

I looked at Roni and said, " it seems the email was about you. Tanya here asked the question, where they do that at? I had no idea what the question pertained to so I'm glad you two are together so she can ask you directly."

Tanya's evil eye shifted from Roni and to me for putting her on blast and not allowing her to control the situation.

"Where they do what at Tanya?" I heard Roni ask in a nasty tone.

"You know what I'm talking about !"

"I do, but unlike you I'm not going to drag anyone else into this conversation Bottom line, I'm gay !, I was trying to talk to somebody but you always seemed to be around blocking and this little stunt you pulled prevents me from ever really trying to see where it could have gone. But since you insist on asking questions let me ask one, if, I may be so bold and please make note of the fact that I'm not going to your friends or sending school wide emails. Why were you always around and why are you now mad like I did something to you?"

I was so proud of Roni. She shut Tanya with two very basic questions. She didn't have to raise her voice or cause a scene. Roni pretty much insured that she was going to be able to cope with her sexuality throughout high school and college.

Lying Eyes BY: KB ©

Against all logic

I still have hope

God chooses the foolish things of the world

to shame the wise

I don’t care what it looks like

My faith doesn’t need my eyes

I often go after what I see

Neglecting God’s clear instruction to me

My eyes, my Judas

What I see may be the death of me

My head, my ears, my heart

are yielded to God

and there they’ll remain

prevent my eyes from leading me

to separation, loss and pain

Mercy By ©kb 2005

Smooth flawless brown skin

My hand traces every line

Charting memorizing every curve

Thinking it divine.

Heaven when I look at you

Directly in your eyes

Holy word of God himself

Speaks from between your thighs

Healed from the words of love spoken

Love untold is found

Communion, sanctity and blessed assurance

Is found within your mound

I taste the living water

A drink from the cup of love

A blessed sacrament sanctioned from above

God has been truly merciful

And for this I sing his praise

I want to stay in your presence

For however long my days

To Share By: © KB 6.23.05

To say that I fell is an understatement

To say that I care is inadequate

To say I need is impotent

I tumbled head over heels

I love, no other words of explanation needed

I crave means that I am addicted to

Y-O-U!

Exhaustipated By: KB ©

up late

(too tired to really give a shit)

up late

waiting for an idea to come

until then I'll just sit

I feel my eyelids grow heavy

I stay up late

sit and wait

birthing and nursing an idea

up late

my head begins to bob

I wouldn't trade the creative process

poetry is my job

Just the fax By: KB ©

There's a burning question I've been meaning to ask

have y'all ever been dumped in a fax

I have lived a goodly number of days

had people leave in various and assorted ways

but never by fax

just leave you don't owe me jack

you added insult to injury with a fax

didn't think enough of the relationship to offer any word

an empty, impotent move,

 the move made you look like a turd

There's a burning question I've been meaning to ask

have y'all ever been dumped in a fax

Making Love by kb 2003

Souls intertwined dance

 a tango in the dark

2 people becoming 1

1 in passion

1 in desire

1 in thought

1 in mind

1 in body

1 in being

Souls intertwined dance

Red Bottoms (no not those) BY: KB © 2014

Hot damn!

Here we go again

You’re yelling at me like you’re deranged

When all I said was things seemed odd and you’re acting kind of strange

Then you went ballistic and exploded in a rage

I’m thinking all Wild Kingdom like to tranquilize your  a** and lock you in a cage

This is not the first time you’ve gotten all upset and got free and fast with your hands

I can tell by the look in your eye that you better change your plans

My name is not Everlast and you won’t be putting mitts on me

If that’s where your thought is headed your better call Emergency

Reserve a room for two

Both of us are going into the hospital

You to get your a** stitched up

And me to retrieve my shoe

Bullets By: KB © 2014

“I don’t feel safe”

“I feared for my life”

Words that mask and disguise our open and blatant sin

RACISM! Genocide, bullets, lynching’s of the new millennium

Black and brown faces

Names too many to mention

RACISM! Genocide, bullets, lynching’s of the new millennium

Listed here so we’ll remember them:

Michael Brown – 18, Oscar Grant-22, Trayvon Martin – 17, Aaron Campbell – 25, Steve Washington -27

Ramarley Graham -18, Manuel Loggins-31, Melvin Lawhorn -26, Wendell Allen- 20,

Kendrec McDade – 19, Timothy Russell – 43, Larry Jackson Jr. -32, Jonathan Ferrell – 24,

Jordan Baker – 26,  Ezell Ford- 25, Sean Bell – 23, James Brissette – 17, Ronald Madison – 40

Timothy Stansbury – 19, Ousmane Zongo – 43, Orlando Barlow – 28, Patrick Dorismond – 26

Malcolm Ferguson – 23

All in all we treat them like another brick in the wall and go on our merry way

We are not free until we all are free and that’s all I have to say.

We shall overcome and it starts today !!!!!

Joy of By KB 2005

I want you to know that I love you baby

My words promised…my pledge to care

I want to feel your heart sweet lady

Body pleasures to share

When we make sweet love
both lost in the afterglow
You're all I'm dreaming of

I won't let the feeling go

Recognition that the love is from God bestowed
After we make love
All doubt be erased

That Heaven and Earth have met

And I have kissed God’s face

God has permitted all that heaven will allow

I promise you my angel to be ever present

Focused on here and now

My world is filled with wonder
joy and laughter fills my day
I love the spell you've put me under
heaven is one kiss away.

Praise By kb 2005

In the morning when I rise

I thank God for another day

A day to live love laugh….another chance to be

I speak to him in words of thanks

For introducing u 2 me 

You are…. By kb© 8/2005

Intoxicating

Like the feeling of a good rich brandy

A warmth seeping into my chest

A dizzying sensation clouding my thoughts

Releasing me from my self-imposed prison sentence

Causing me to be totally free and uninhibited….

You are ………!

Sunday Service by kb 2005 (spoken in a preacher's tone)

I come here on today to testify

'bout a love so pure it will make you cry

Smile so bright.....words so sweet

female form of Jeeeeeesus

Love so kind and kisses wet,

close to heaven as you can get (and still be livin')

Lay her down, I say lay her down....I don't think you heard me.....lay her down and love her right

and she'll be givin' I said givin' you heard me givin' allllllllllllllllllllll night!

Can I get an amen

Sister By :© KB 6.23.05

Hair

Soft spun silk

Complexion

Smooth nubian marble

Eyes,

Inviting, Enticing pools

that say come drink me in

Mirrors

that reflect, yet draw me in

Lips

that speak softly and I get lost watching the words form

that blow warm breaths of pleasure

that gently caress

that kiss and provide unspeakable pleasures

Arms

that invite

of comfort

of stability

that shelter and buffer from the harsh world

that soothe

that rock

that calm

YOU

The Purest Communion By kb© 2005

back arched
hips shifting....
take the cup to my lips I'm lifting

A prayer of thanks, a soul to cleanse

Female sanctification

I drink you in

My plea By: KB ©

untethered

free floating

wandering

lost

the price of losing love

going astray

losing my way

supplication from above

I close my eyes by: KB

I close my eyes and I can feel you skin

I close my eyes and I drink you in

I close my eyes and I can hear your voice it reminds me of a place called home....

home, a sweet,  sweet place

home, a place of demands

home,  a place of unsurpassed grace

and hardworking hands

home,  a place of constant call

home, the place that make me want it all

home, the place where I can just be

I close my eyes and I can see a lifetime of connection with me 

Why Storms Have Female Names By: KB ©

My love is a category five

a tsunami

a major quake on the Richter

getting past all the intensity

I'm a loving sister

didn't see demonstrative love when I was a kid

so I admit I go a "little" overboard showing that it's there

I care with all my heart, with feelings deeply

I dedicate all of who I am

you get the best of me

Forlorn BY: KB ©

Only those who risk going too

far will know how far they can go

but you never go anywhere

so how would you ever know

you bitch and moan

grump and complain

until everyone’s ears cry ouch

I got news for you

You’ll never really experience life

If your ass is always on the couch

Definition of a hater By: KB ©

Definition of a hater

someone who resents you for pursuing your dreams

a negative spirit disguised as a friend, quick with reason why things won't work or encouraging you to chase the wrong

someone who talks about you with no filters, freely spilling T

someone in who loyalty can't be found, quick to call you friend

doesn't check on you regularly but seems to enjoy when you are down

you do not recognize them at first

they're often difficult to se

but your vision damn sure changes when you have to ask

snake why did you bite me ?!

if they haven't done it yet

they're just buying time

approach things circumspect

don't walk into them blind

make note of the little things that piss you off but you don't mention

because they will soon be big and you can see the intention

keep your eyes and ears open, don't leave things up to fate

and you won't fall victim to the person that loves to hate!

Why Do We By: KB ©

we all say what we want

but what do we do when we get it

do we cherish or do we cast it aside

do we cling to it or does it wither and die

do we go for flash in lieu of tried, tested and true

do we go for the feel good instead of someone who love you

do we look for roots in temporal

do we look for pure

why do we find fault with the things that endure?

Making Love by kb 2003

Souls intertwined dance

 a tango in the dark

2 people becoming 1

1 in passion

1 in desire

1 in thought

1 in mind

1 in body

1 in being

Souls intertwined dance

Love's Concerto by kb 2005

I am a virtuoso, composer of ecstasy

fingering a masterpiece as my instrument responds to me.

haunting moans of high notes reached

metered motions to treasure

hot licks of rhythmic timing

movements of orgasmic pleasure

I am a virtuoso, composer of ecstasy

fingering a masterpiece as my instrument responds to me.

The Old Saints By: KB ©

The old saints used to sing

"I want Jesus to walk with me..."

I want Jesus to walk with me...

young folks sing...

not too closely because I do want Him all in my business

The old saints used to sing

all along this pilgrim journey

young folks sing...

I'm not a pilgrim, this ain't Thanksgiving!

Oh! you mean that?!!

God knows me!

I'm forgiven

there is humility in this song, there is history in this song, there is instruction in this song, there is correction in this song. There is life in this song...

young folks read and live Romans 6 and you'll understand it better by and by...

Mean By: KB ©

I don't know what I said or did

maybe I should have just let things be

now she's talking waggin' her head

and staring crazily

 I just asked "can I talk to you?"

when I heard her suck her teeth

now she's talking like Linda Blair

you know that scene from the Exorcist...

head spinnin', spit is flying, finger waggin' , finger looks like it's gonna fly off the hand and wrist

talkin' crazy, rude and crude

with you there's just no pleasin'

I  just wanted to ask your weekend plans

so I could take you out

girl you're mean fo no damn good reason!

Would I date me? KB: 10.18.14

REAL TALK from KB: A few months back I posted a blurb on a question I saw on the internet. The question was would you date you?

When I first asked the question I answered with a resounding "HELL NAW!" I've now come to realize that I answered that way because it was an absolute truth for me at the time. I was a mental and an emotional wreck. My self esteem was at an all time low;  I was dealing with anxiety and fear about a bout with cancer and I was in a full on grieving a  loss. I just did not feel worthy or remotely close to who I knew I was as a person, a co-parent or a potential partner.

Then I met someone who brought it all back for me in spades. would I date me? Ab-so-freakinglutely. I'm a damn good person. I'm a little eccentric and a damn bit squirrely at times; chalk it all up to the artistic noise and thought in my head that I've stifled for many years. I'd date me because I do little things as well as my OVER THE TOP things. I'd date me because I'm loyal. I'd date me because I'm willing to put in work to make things work; I don't say I love you easily so when I do it's magical. I'd date me because I believe in keeping commitments. I believe in constantly dating and wooing. It's a rule for: Don't start something that you have no intentions on continuing.

I'd date me because I've rediscovered all the things that made me datable

You can't just stop loving someone by: KB

You can't just stop loving someone

it's akin to a high speed crash

you're tossed and battered about

an emotional whiplash

You can't just stop loving someone

emotional  beating that interrupts dreams

distorting your reality

things ain't what they seem

You can't just stop loving someone

like a runner in a head down full on sprint

if you come up out of it you're truly rendered a gimp

You can't just stop loving someone

There's always hope by : KB ©

The heart seeps joy when it's hurt

the essence of life slips away

it's never too late

there's always hope

to live, laugh and love another day

rest assured that the Lord hears the hearts' cry

it's never too late don't give up hope

for love never dies

What Ya Say!!!! & What Ya Do By: KB © 11.13.13

REAL Talk from KB: I’ve been ruminating on this subject for a minute. I’ve been contemplating on just how to convey the thought in a context that will open people’s ears, hearts and minds to just exactly what they need to hear and apply and I’ve come up with these two passages.

Matthew 23:27

"Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of the bones of the dead and everything unclean.

James 3:1-6

1 Not many of you should presume to be teachers, my brothers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly.2 We all stumble in many ways. If anyone is never at fault in what he says, he is a perfect man, able to keep his whole body in check.3 When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal.4 Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. 5 Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. 6 The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.

These passages are used to hold people in check. I’m writing this to illustrate a point…that point being that there is no place in the “kingdom”, the realm of spirituality, the practice of religion or a righteous faith walk for exclusionary theology. There is no us and them in this process. We all fall short; we all have faults and frailties….stop telling people the list of God’s likes and dislikes and start looking at the concept of what it means to have a heart and mind inclined toward God. Teach that brother or sister how to be a better man, woman, husband father, brother, wife, mother, sister…when we look toward God, our paths will be directed and we will learn what is and isn't acceptable.

Stop telling people you love them and that you’ll pray for them when you will never include them.

We are ambassadors for what we say that we believe….what are you doing or saying that would make people want to visit your “country”?

 From the book of Tupac...only God can Judge Me!

SING IT WITH ME.......I JUST WANT YOUR EXTRA TIME AND YOUR KISS By: KB © 11.27.12

Have you ever reached a point in your life where you’re just sick and tired of the daily grind, drama and other people’s BS yet you’re oddly at peace because you have separated yourself from it? Well, that’s me….I don’t know if I can call it a midlife thing, old age thing or just enlightenment in general; knowing that my days here are numbered and ordered by a power greater than myself and the things that I fought, railed and rallied against are insignificant when it relates to my faith and my faith walk.

The other day I was discussing how American’s don’t read but I’m hoping to find a few who have actually stepped up their game enough to get into Dostoevsky. Dostoevsky wrote The Brothers Karamazov. Why am I mentioning this? The book tells of the transforming power of love; Ivan, a hardened cynic, resistant to the things of God.  God used a simple act to change Ivan; one day Alyosha, Ivan’s brother kissed Ivan on the forehead. I know you’re sayin’ huh?!, what the heck are you talking about?!

 I just want you to think about what it’s like to be around someone who is cynical, mistrusting, negative and hateful all the time. Are they easy to be around? Can you love ‘em? God used an action…no fancy words, no sermons, no guilt trip, no condemnation, no altar calls, no hour long prayers; a simple kiss.

What’s my point? There’s an old Middle-Eastern proverb that states prayer is when Heaven and Earth kiss. When is the last time you offered a simple kiss to the things that worry you? 

Regret By: KB ©

You should life your life as a gamble

If you have to have live it with a regret

Let it be from the chance you didn’t get

Personal Gain By: kb ©

People were created to be loved,

Things were created to be used,

The reason why good things fall apart is because

We get the two confused

What do you really get from using people?

Is it for personal gain?

If that’s true, then how do you sleep knowing that you’ve caused some pain?

The tragic scene played out everywhere different places different names

A mea culpa will not do

When you’re the one to blame

Wounded souls just limp away

And to think…you did it for personal gain