Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word BY: KB © 3.2.15

I can't imagine going through life disconnected from my humility and humanity. I'm not saying that I haven't done it...stubbornness and pride have often caused me to dig in my heels and refuse to apologize. The need for a strong faith walk permeates our lives in ways we don't tend to readily recognize; it took the work of the Holy Spirit to deal with my heart before I realized why apologies were really important and necessary.

Saying I’m sorry is one of the first things are parents teach us to say as children. Yet some adults refuse to apologize even when they’re clearly in the wrong because they never get past the concept of wrong doing and treat an apology as merely a social more. The question is: Why?

As the song goes, sorry seems to be the hardest word. Many people find  apologies so difficult that getting them to acknowledge even the smallest wrongdoing involves a major confrontation and it often ends with one or both parties angrier than when the first issue came up . Although we might view the actions of these non-apologists as a simple matter of defensiveness or pride but it's often a far deeper psychological matter at play: Refusing to apologize often reflects efforts to protect a fragile sense of self.

For people who find it hard to apologize, the words "I’m sorry" carry deep ramifications; the words elicit fundamental fears (either conscious or unconscious) they desperately want to avoid:

·       Admissions of wrong doing are incredibly threatening for the person who can't seem to apologize because they have trouble separating their actions from their character. If they did something bad, they must be bad people; if they were neglectful, they must be fundamentally selfish and uncaring; if they were wrong, they must be ignorant or stupid, etc. Therefore, apologies represent a major threat to their basic sense of identity and self-esteem.

·       Apologizing might open the door to guilt for most of us, but for the individual who can't apologize, it can open the door instead to shame. While guilt makes us feel bad about our actions, shame makes them feel bad about themselves—who they are—which makes shame a far more toxic and harmful to the individual than guilt ever could

·       While most of us consider apologies as opportunities to resolve interpersonal conflict, the person who struggles with offering an apology may fear their apology will only open the floodgates to further accusations and conflict. Once they admit to one wrongdoing, surely the other person will pounce on the opportunity to pile on all the previous offenses for which they refused to apologize as well; they are often correct in this assumption because many who deal with them on a regular basis have developed resentments for the lack of apologies over a period of time.

·       By refusing to apologize people try to manage their emotions. They are often comfortable with anger, irritability, and emotional distance, and they see emotional closeness and vulnerability to be extremely threatening because they will have to "measure up" at some point and they can't take the risk of possibly falling short.

Character defects aside, the inability or unwillingness to acknowledge wrongdoings and apologize is a spiritual defect. It indicates the will(flesh) overrides the Holy Spirit:

Matthew 5:23-24 ESV      So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.

Luke 17:3-4 ESV      Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him, and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him.”

James 5:16 ESV      Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.

 We can learn a great deal about biblical apology from David. In Psalm 51, we get a glimpse into the heart of this man of God after he had committed many unimaginable sins. His heart was broken, and he knew he had damaged his relationship with his Heavenly Father. So David—in a desire to restore the joy and intimacy he once enjoyed with God—offers a sincere apology to God. From David’s confession we can learn four elements of an effective biblical apology.

REMORSE & REGRET -The starting place for a biblical apology is expressing remorse and regret

RESPONSIBILITY - The second component of an effective biblical apology is in saying the three most difficult words known to man: “I was wrong.” These words take us beyond remorse to responsibility.

RECONCILIATION - The third step in offering an effective biblical apology is learning to say, “Will you forgive me?”

*Expressing remorse communicates that you understand you hurt someone. Admitting that you were wrong is owning responsibility.

REPENTANCE - The first three components could be communicated with words, but this fourth component is an action.