I’m Good BY: KB 11.16.16

Keeping it 100, like I do, let me say that I am sick and tired of folks, not just fundamentalists, I’m also addressing the profoundly ignorant and bigoted assuming that homosexuality is a choice! Now, please excuse the harsh language “profoundly ignorant” but I have to say something because there is so much information available that people choose to ignore. I don’t even have words for people who deny their own children for not living THEIR lives according to a script that the parents wrote.

Then there’s the people who use the term “lifestyle” like I’m in vogue or part of a collection.  I never hear heterosexual coming out stories or heteros being asked “when did you know that you liked the opposite sex? Or When did you choose to be hetero? That to me is asking someone when they choose to be White? I say White because it’s the majority power dynamic in this country…just as heterosexuality is prevalent.

Let’s keep it real that I have made no bones about how I feel about Christian fundamentalists who have gone above and beyond the pale in their damage and destruction of lives. So once again I will address my life and only my life. I cannot and dare not speak for others but I can I say I know of others who share my story.

Let’s address the subject of choice for a second shall we? I choose to be gay like you choose to be straight…meaning it’s just who I am. I am attracted to my same gender. I am very much female. I’m not trying to be a man… hell, I am friends with enough guys to know that they have their own unique set of problems that I can empathize with because most of the women that I have dated have a certain level of expectation for me to carry that certain counter –balance for them. Now I tend to find a bit of humor in the dynamic because many of the guys I know don’t know a damn thing about cars and car repair or any repairs for that matter and I do. My dad couldn’t fix a damn thing. I was curious about things so I paid very close attention to the people who knew how to do the repairs…but I digress. Choice…can I just say I hate that bulls---; who would choose a life of scrutiny by strangers, negative comments and threats of bodily harm because you loving someone made some ignorant person uncomfortable? Think about that for a minute…love making someone uncomfortable. Sounds silly once you read it doesn’t it?

Now let’s discuss the other thing I tend to hear?  You have daddy issues or a man must have done something to you to make you gay?  I can agree to daddy issues…my father was an abusive alcoholic but I had examples of good men in my life so I can pretty much discredit that one. I can say that I knew that I was “different” at the age of 5; my first memory of being attracted to women. I attempted to date but there was no chemistry or real attraction that I had with women. I pretty much stopped faking and trying to please other people in my life in my early 20’s.

Now, last by no means least to the fundamentalists….I’ve grown weary of people quoting Leviticus and people telling me “love the sinner, hate the sin” so I won’t continue defending myself quoting scripture back to you. I’m just going to pray for your change of heart or character as you say, often in great hostility, you’re doing for me and we’ll let God be true…I’m just going to say that I’m ok with who I am and whose I am…it’s the rest of the world that seems to think they know me and have a problem with me and my loved ones.

Consequences & Reprocussions BY: KB 11.8.16

I have been debating on whether or not to write this piece and at some point during my devotions and prayer time the word yes popped into my spirit.

Proverbs 18:21 - Death and life [are] in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.

1 Peter 3:10 - For he that will love life, and see good days, let him refrain his tongue from evil, and his lips that they speak no guile:

James 5:3-8     5 Even so the tongue is a little member, and boasteth great things. Behold, how great a matter a little fire kindleth!

6 And the tongue [is] a fire, a world of iniquity: so is the tongue among our members, that it defileth the whole body, and setteth on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire of hell.

7 For every kind of beasts, and of birds, and of serpents, and of things in the sea, is tamed, and hath been tamed of mankind:

8 But the tongue can no man tame; [it is] an unruly evil, full of deadly poison.

Well what does all these scriptures mean? It means that we need to have a better system of checks and balances for what we say. It means that monitoring the integrity of your word is a necessity. It means that when you speak, especially when you speak of God you need to be quite sure of the message you give.

I am prompted to write this because I recently had the experience of an overshare….that’s when you or someone gives TMI (too much information) in this instance it was me. Someone had asked about my previous relationship and I shared, heck my life is an open book so I had no qualms about sharing the story because it was actually a testimony (that’s why my life is an open book.) Well the person I shared the story with had a judgment for my story and proceeded to speak on what they would have done and what they would or wouldn’t have allowed. My first thought was to GO THERE – I didn’t ask you what you thought, you asked me a question and whatever I shared is past history so hindsight will always be 20/20….but grace prevailed and I held my tongue and simply explained that not all things are for all people to understand and my experiences will never line up with this persons experiences because we are two different people from two different backgrounds.

Now, I could have used the opportunity to share my experiences with God and how He brought me through the story that I had shared with her but she wasn’t interested in what I had to say…she was curious because she wanted to contrast, compare and judge.

 

 It is important to know and recognize spirits; failure to recognize a spirit can lead to some serious consequences

The Real BY: KB 11.5.16

You can’t be gay and a believer   I’ve heard this too many times than I care to mention. I used to get angry and go all “Bruce Banner” but that was before I really embraced what it means to have a relationship with God. I thought I had to impose my thought in power and might…but then I came to live and learn that the Lord is mighty in battle and the battle was not mine.  So, now whenever I hear the gay believer insanity I just say “you’re looking at and talking to both. “

I wait for the old Sodom and Gomorrah verses from the book of Genesis or Leviticus. I then tell them that they are going to believe what they choose to believe but I also ask them to be open enough to read, study ad challenge their faith constructs; noting that I no longer believe the same things about God that I did as a child. My faith grew up alongside my physical development and I continue to exercise my faith in hopes of development and growth

Philippians 2:12 (NIV)

12 Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling,

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/david-lose/what-does-the-bible-reall_b_990444.html

Now if you’re really opened to learning and understanding you will make note of the fact that a great deal of the hate and fear that is being spewed from the pulpit is a twisted eisegesis. We have accepted a practice of an instant “just add people and stir” theology. We embrace a theology that serves our ignorance. Listening to things taken out of context and historically inaccurate; never questioning

Read 1 Thessalonians 5: 20-21

1 John 4:1

The Bible says to study to show yourself approved…it doesn’t say let someone else study for you and feed you their beliefs…..it’s about developing an individual relationship. Some of us have not learned how to be intimate so we often allow outside forces to obstruct and we begin to embody and live out a false prophecy for our lives.

Guilt and shame are not of God, please be aware of this…if you have internalized it from various life experiences or if someone is trying to give it to you from the pulpit…

KEEPING IT REAL WITH ME BY:KB 10.21.16

It seems like it has been forever since I’ve written anything of substance; you know the kind of writing that makes you pause and do a bit of self-examination…asking “Do I really do that? Or Did they really think they needed to tell me that?” this piece fall under the latter question.

First let me say, I love my family dearly but, yes, there is a but, they get on my last good nerve with the petty things that triggers anger and inane arguments and constant bickering. The real kicker for me is that most of the arguments are usually wrapped in or justified by a vague connection to scripture…like it somehow excuses or justifies the position of judgment. I realize that my verbalizing and writing the statement assumes a position of judgment but I just had to put it out there because I am at an age and stage in my life where merry-go-rounds make me dizzy and nauseous; I’m getting off the ride…say what you will about me!

Now, some of y’all know me…saying tis to say, I’m not a deep and mysterious person. I’m very straight forward maybe to the point of being too blunt at times. The things that garner my wrath are blatant disrespect, bullying, sexism, fundamentalism, racist and bigoted bullshit! It’s just that simple. Please note I will call you out on it and hold you accountable.

Now, I’m getting to the point of my conversation. My family somehow believes that I could not manage to get to the ripe old age of 55 without their advice both solicited and unsolicited. Please note I left my mother’s eye when I was 25, so, 30 years. Now mind you, she left my father when I was 16 because of domestic violence and I lived without her for about 18 months. To this day she is still finding out some of the things I did as a child thanks to loose lipped siblings. My sister left home at age 18 and didn’t return to the state until about age 23 or 24 so we had a period of separation as well. So, they really don’t know the majority of my life’s experiences and I don’t share a lot of them because they are mine and part of my development and lessons to learn. My mom and my sister are relentless in giving advice and at times it just sound like admonishments…and I always find myself thinking they don’t know half the shit I had to wade through to get to where I am today and I’m ok with me…what they do know is that I can and will back them off of me and go on my own for a good long time when I’ve reached my maximum saturation point. They do know that I have the will of a pit bull and at times I have to show them because they seem to be deaf when I try to tell them.

Wrapping this all up…I love both these women dearly but they have to recognize and embrace the fact that I am NOT them and we share the same DNA but not the same take of life experiences and lessons. I’m not going to take a passive position in any parts of my life….

The same way I embrace my blessing is the same way I embrace the consequences for my misbehavior!

OUT LOUD and OUT PROUD BY: KB 10.14.16

I was discussing the subject of homosexuality with someone the other day; as a matter of fact I’ve been having this conversation with a number of people, all of whom have different circumstances and reasons to engage me in the conversation, over the past couple of days. Whatever the reason I welcome the dialogue because it’s an ever evolving conversation that NEEDS to happen.

After a bit of introduction some people knew right out that I identify as “butch lesbian” for those folks who don’t have vision or demand labels; you know like the superfluous warning labels that are supposed to stop or at least slow idiots down…yeah, those labels.

My coming out story is pretty much unremarkable…I didn’t have people turn against me. I wasn’t majorly ostracized, there was no family division, a lot of ignorant comments from time to time but I can hold my own verbally and physically if need be… it was my own mental and emotional division. I was my own enemy.

I had to come to terms with the fact that not only had I received a very thorough brainwashing related to my Blackness and my being female but I was also fighting the fact that I was taught that my loving was going to be the reason that I would not enter into heaven…think about that for a minute. You are taught from a very early age that God is about love…for God so love the world; faith, hope and love and the greatest of these is love….. so, here I am loving and now I’m being I’m told I’m going  to hell because of  who I love. I’m hearing all sorts of hateful and bigoted things coming directly from the pulpits. Mind you I’m just coming into my sexuality at the height of the AIDS epidemic. Imagine the pain, hate and shame many people had heaped upon them as they lie dying. Think about all the choir members and choir directors…who church folks were “cool” with as long as they kept their mouths closed to appease. Think about how they passed on in doubt and self-loathing.

Right then and there I knew that I had to represent; I had to be counted in my community because it was so stilted and bigoted. I had to find a Bible preaching and teaching church…not the gospel according to interpretation. I had to find someone who knew that love is love is love! I had to find something or someone who challenge me to read and know this for myself.  I know far too many people who are trying to reconcile their faith with their sexuality…I remember one sister watching my struggle and she put it very clearly to me…in saying that “my sexuality is part of who I am…it’s along for the ride”  after hearing that I just stopped trying to be “Wonder Dyke” with a message for the masses and started being myself, working out my salvation with respect and reverence. I’ve been just me ever since….

I live out loud and out proud for the other folks who were and are like me. I live my life out loud and out proud for the millions of kids who are taught to hate themselves seeing suicide as the only option. I live my life out loud and out proud because the world need to see there’s nothing second rate or second class about me….I have the same wants, needs and have the same dreams. I love my life out loud and out proud because I need the world to know that I am not a stalker, a pedophile or a man hater as depicted by mainstream culture. I live out loud and out proud because I am content to be just me!

Cooley High BY: KB 10.5.16

Some of y’all are going to be upset with me on this one ….but if you’re reading this you already know me well enough to know how I roll. I keep it real, raw and 100%. If you think I’m hard on you just imagine what it’s like to be me and the standards I set for myself.

I posted a pic on Facebook yesterday that stated “I don’t fail, I simply discover what doesn’t work…”

I was once described as “the most self-assured lovingly annoying person” that this individual has ever met… I liked that description…

 

OK getting to my point…what is it about death, I recently heard about the “transitioning of someone” What is it about death that takes us to a place of “Cooley High” memories? For me, it ain’t hard to say good bye to yesterday if yesterday was a FUBAR (look it up..if I write it out it will take away from the message) For me, as in all things I look at changes and transitions as an opportunity to work STEP 4 – I’m not an addict but I’ve been a counselor long enough to know that everyone, EVERYONE! Is in recovery from something.

Now, I’m never going to be one to wax nostalgic and romanticize some bullshit (had to say it) even though the person is gone…sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself and the folks who are mourning is to keep your mouth shut and let them go through their process. Real talk if you were jacked up in life…and you did some things that’s between you and God to work out…I do believe that if you were “in Christ” that you will be transformed but I can only deal with my reality in the here and now. My memories are of you jacked up! I can hope and wish better for you in my journeys but bottom line is the memories are of you jacked up! Death does not magically erase pain, hurt and harm…it just let’s you know that the person can’t do it again…you can’t put toothpaste back in a tube…it’s still useful but the process has been changed….you get where I’m going?  

In other words stop romanticizing and use the opportunity to do some self-examination on you “get down”

WHAT IS YOUR LEGACY?!!!!

Aware BY: KB 9.26.16

Blessed are those who mourn….I have been ruminating over this scripture for a few days now. In my deep thought I’ve been asking myself exactly when is the last time I truly felt my heart break over something or someone that has gone against God? Do I mourn things that grieve the Holy Spirit..and you know I had to answer no!

I get so self-absorbed and caught up that I don’t pay attention until that something becomes something big, a Goliath, if you will allow me the analogy; I notice the someone when they are already in the stages of chastisement or affliction.

I often missed the opportunity to teach and correct or to be a comfort because I’m all off in my stuff-mostly self-induced crises because I allow my anxiety (the deceiver) to help me “problem solve”.

I need to be more aware of me as I relate to people and most importantly how I relate to God