KEEPING IT REAL WITH ME BY:KB 10.21.16

It seems like it has been forever since I’ve written anything of substance; you know the kind of writing that makes you pause and do a bit of self-examination…asking “Do I really do that? Or Did they really think they needed to tell me that?” this piece fall under the latter question.

First let me say, I love my family dearly but, yes, there is a but, they get on my last good nerve with the petty things that triggers anger and inane arguments and constant bickering. The real kicker for me is that most of the arguments are usually wrapped in or justified by a vague connection to scripture…like it somehow excuses or justifies the position of judgment. I realize that my verbalizing and writing the statement assumes a position of judgment but I just had to put it out there because I am at an age and stage in my life where merry-go-rounds make me dizzy and nauseous; I’m getting off the ride…say what you will about me!

Now, some of y’all know me…saying tis to say, I’m not a deep and mysterious person. I’m very straight forward maybe to the point of being too blunt at times. The things that garner my wrath are blatant disrespect, bullying, sexism, fundamentalism, racist and bigoted bullshit! It’s just that simple. Please note I will call you out on it and hold you accountable.

Now, I’m getting to the point of my conversation. My family somehow believes that I could not manage to get to the ripe old age of 55 without their advice both solicited and unsolicited. Please note I left my mother’s eye when I was 25, so, 30 years. Now mind you, she left my father when I was 16 because of domestic violence and I lived without her for about 18 months. To this day she is still finding out some of the things I did as a child thanks to loose lipped siblings. My sister left home at age 18 and didn’t return to the state until about age 23 or 24 so we had a period of separation as well. So, they really don’t know the majority of my life’s experiences and I don’t share a lot of them because they are mine and part of my development and lessons to learn. My mom and my sister are relentless in giving advice and at times it just sound like admonishments…and I always find myself thinking they don’t know half the shit I had to wade through to get to where I am today and I’m ok with me…what they do know is that I can and will back them off of me and go on my own for a good long time when I’ve reached my maximum saturation point. They do know that I have the will of a pit bull and at times I have to show them because they seem to be deaf when I try to tell them.

Wrapping this all up…I love both these women dearly but they have to recognize and embrace the fact that I am NOT them and we share the same DNA but not the same take of life experiences and lessons. I’m not going to take a passive position in any parts of my life….

The same way I embrace my blessing is the same way I embrace the consequences for my misbehavior!

OUT LOUD and OUT PROUD BY: KB 10.14.16

I was discussing the subject of homosexuality with someone the other day; as a matter of fact I’ve been having this conversation with a number of people, all of whom have different circumstances and reasons to engage me in the conversation, over the past couple of days. Whatever the reason I welcome the dialogue because it’s an ever evolving conversation that NEEDS to happen.

After a bit of introduction some people knew right out that I identify as “butch lesbian” for those folks who don’t have vision or demand labels; you know like the superfluous warning labels that are supposed to stop or at least slow idiots down…yeah, those labels.

My coming out story is pretty much unremarkable…I didn’t have people turn against me. I wasn’t majorly ostracized, there was no family division, a lot of ignorant comments from time to time but I can hold my own verbally and physically if need be… it was my own mental and emotional division. I was my own enemy.

I had to come to terms with the fact that not only had I received a very thorough brainwashing related to my Blackness and my being female but I was also fighting the fact that I was taught that my loving was going to be the reason that I would not enter into heaven…think about that for a minute. You are taught from a very early age that God is about love…for God so love the world; faith, hope and love and the greatest of these is love….. so, here I am loving and now I’m being I’m told I’m going  to hell because of  who I love. I’m hearing all sorts of hateful and bigoted things coming directly from the pulpits. Mind you I’m just coming into my sexuality at the height of the AIDS epidemic. Imagine the pain, hate and shame many people had heaped upon them as they lie dying. Think about all the choir members and choir directors…who church folks were “cool” with as long as they kept their mouths closed to appease. Think about how they passed on in doubt and self-loathing.

Right then and there I knew that I had to represent; I had to be counted in my community because it was so stilted and bigoted. I had to find a Bible preaching and teaching church…not the gospel according to interpretation. I had to find someone who knew that love is love is love! I had to find something or someone who challenge me to read and know this for myself.  I know far too many people who are trying to reconcile their faith with their sexuality…I remember one sister watching my struggle and she put it very clearly to me…in saying that “my sexuality is part of who I am…it’s along for the ride”  after hearing that I just stopped trying to be “Wonder Dyke” with a message for the masses and started being myself, working out my salvation with respect and reverence. I’ve been just me ever since….

I live out loud and out proud for the other folks who were and are like me. I live my life out loud and out proud for the millions of kids who are taught to hate themselves seeing suicide as the only option. I live my life out loud and out proud because the world need to see there’s nothing second rate or second class about me….I have the same wants, needs and have the same dreams. I love my life out loud and out proud because I need the world to know that I am not a stalker, a pedophile or a man hater as depicted by mainstream culture. I live out loud and out proud because I am content to be just me!

Cooley High BY: KB 10.5.16

Some of y’all are going to be upset with me on this one ….but if you’re reading this you already know me well enough to know how I roll. I keep it real, raw and 100%. If you think I’m hard on you just imagine what it’s like to be me and the standards I set for myself.

I posted a pic on Facebook yesterday that stated “I don’t fail, I simply discover what doesn’t work…”

I was once described as “the most self-assured lovingly annoying person” that this individual has ever met… I liked that description…

 

OK getting to my point…what is it about death, I recently heard about the “transitioning of someone” What is it about death that takes us to a place of “Cooley High” memories? For me, it ain’t hard to say good bye to yesterday if yesterday was a FUBAR (look it up..if I write it out it will take away from the message) For me, as in all things I look at changes and transitions as an opportunity to work STEP 4 – I’m not an addict but I’ve been a counselor long enough to know that everyone, EVERYONE! Is in recovery from something.

Now, I’m never going to be one to wax nostalgic and romanticize some bullshit (had to say it) even though the person is gone…sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself and the folks who are mourning is to keep your mouth shut and let them go through their process. Real talk if you were jacked up in life…and you did some things that’s between you and God to work out…I do believe that if you were “in Christ” that you will be transformed but I can only deal with my reality in the here and now. My memories are of you jacked up! I can hope and wish better for you in my journeys but bottom line is the memories are of you jacked up! Death does not magically erase pain, hurt and harm…it just let’s you know that the person can’t do it again…you can’t put toothpaste back in a tube…it’s still useful but the process has been changed….you get where I’m going?  

In other words stop romanticizing and use the opportunity to do some self-examination on you “get down”

WHAT IS YOUR LEGACY?!!!!