REAL TALK from KB: To
me, it’s the epitome of hypocrisy to call someone out on their stuff only to
conveniently have the disability to be blind to your own...with that being said I’m
going to be a bit transparent.
I’ve been out and proud since the age 25…not saying that I
didn’t know I was gay; I’ve known since about age 5 or 6 I just didn’t have the
vocabulary to articulate it. My parents knew, but we did the dance of denial
partnered with social norms. To be honest I don’t know how I made it through
the years without losing my freakin’ mind; thank God I made it out because I
know too many gay people who are struggling with inner conflict and looking for
acceptance from people who are too ignorant and stubborn to give it.
Let me discuss the ignorance for a moment….there are the
factions of my people (family, friends
and acquaintances) that hold on to the school of thought that my same gender
loving life was a result of a tumultuous and contentious relationship with my
father. I laugh at that because I knew I was gay long before I realized that my
father was an ill-bred selfish ass; as a matter of fact he had a gay sister who
was not raised with him (they had the same dad and didn’t connect until later
in life)….so no, I shoot that theory down but I thank you for sharing it. I don’t
hate men….I have many male friends and family that I embrace and socialize with
…I’ll stand shoulder to should and fight with/for many of them; many of them
have seen me do it. (my youth on the Eastside of Buffalo….Sycamore playground
and across Bailey Avenue – y’all know. My cousins Dave and Ben – rockin’ and
sockin’ fools a Coleman playground – all the fights for folks using the N-word).
Another theory is that I want to be a man. Hell it’s hard
enough to be a gay Black woman in this world why would I want to co-op on a
Black man’s struggle?…hell! They have their own set of problems. I am a woman!
I love the softer sides of me. I love the fact that my thought processes are “gender
fluid” and I can see both sides of a situation and react accordingly – I am
blessed to have the Native American concept of two-spirits.
Last but by no means least there are the people who River
Dance on my last good nerve…..the conservative Christians who have a judgment
for me and get all ass hurt when I call out their hypocrisy…to you I say that
the condemnation and constrictions of YOUR religion is all the hell I need to
see and I’ll gladly swim the River Styx to avoid the beating that you wrap in
the gospel. If I am going to hell….we can finish our conversation there because
you’ll be right there with me for the ways you address me and call it love.
I have known love, true love, twice in my life….the first
time to the lovely individual who put up with all my immaturity and lunacy
as I discovered what it means to be gay
in this big ol’ harsh world. Too bad I didn’t recognize that she was struggling
with her own demons…..one of them was controlling and taming other people’s.
The second, man oh man, had the patience of a saint…..I am a moody, cerebral, passionate
and compassionate monster 99% of the time the other 1% is spent eating and
sleeping. Time with this person was magical….it was like watching God knit a
snowflake…and just like that, 16 years seemed like 16 seconds….the snowflake
melted. Tomorrow is not promised.
Here I am 3 years away and just beginning my thaw….starting
my new year off on positives and will continue to move in that direction….some
of y’all won’t go or can’t go with me….that’s cool I thank you for the love and
the purpose that you’ve provided; do you and be the best you that you can be……but
please, by all means continue to ask yourselves
How ya livin’?
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