Confessions By: KB 12 1 15

I’ve been silent for a minute because 1) I have been dealing with some health issues and 2) I have been really struggling with the idea of getting buck naked candid about my life. I’ve always been a bit on the puny side so I expect health issues to pop up every now and again; it’s just second nature to me and I just roll with whatever shows up. Now, as far as getting buck naked transparent in my writing, that’s a horse of another color. I’ve always been a private person – private to the point of being somewhat of a recluse. I have a tendency to show just enough of myself to let you know I’m alive and I’m real. Exposing myself in font is a new genre for yours truly but as the old folks used to say “tell the truth and shame the devil.”  With that being said – here goes:

For as “OUT”, bold and open as I am….I am also very, very conservative. I hold firm and fast to some very traditional values so you can imagine my surprise when I discovered I was a “f#$k boi” For those of you who do not know what that means I suggest you hit this link http://onlineslangdictionary.com/meaning-definition-of/fuck-boy

Now, this is not an “ah- ha!” moment this is the culmination of some various life lessons. I’m not saying I wasn’t successful in relationships. I had 1 major long term relationship (over 14 years) and a few that went two or more years. I say it’s a culmination of life lessons because over the years I heard words and phrases like settled, too vanilla, bored, too nice……..but it took one person to really open my eyes to what I don’t EVER want and I had to learn that lesson being that F--- boi…I never knew what hit me until I was steamrollered; I am pretty street smart so it only added insult to injury but you best believe I got the life lesson!

I fell into a puddle of feelings and I allowed myself to be submerged…but trust and believe things dried up really quickly when I started really looking at the warning signs AND THERE WERE PLENTY!!! I’m attracted to strong women; sisters who can do things for themselves but I had to learn that there are far too many insecure sister hiding behind the façade of “can do” and are using bluster and rude as a poor substitute for strength….but here I am firmly entrenched in my feelings and now caught up in the whirlpool of insecurity…both mine and theirs. But like most folks in recovery…..you just learn to thank God for the moment of clarity……my faith , yes, I said my faith (being gay does not exclude me from being connected to my Higher power no more than my giving in to my flesh….we all fall short)

What did I learn from the experience? ….being led by feelings is a sorry way to live…you’re always going to drift aimlessly from one crisis to the next. Be still and know what you want and how you want it….be willing to compromise but not to the point where you lose sight of the initial desire. Most importantly TRUST your Higher Power to lead