As the New Year fast approaches I want to take time to self-reflect,
in font off course, and address the good, the bad and the ugly of 2014.
The good: I had an opportunity to really just let go and be
a kid again. I got out of the house and explored the city and enjoyed a few
sites that I had let slip by the wayside. Note to self, you live in an amazing
city and you owe it to yourself to explore every hidden nook and cranny; even
if you’ve been to the place a thousand times you can constantly see things with
fresh new eyes. I don’t like the beach but I love the sound of the waves and
the smell of the ocean so I compromised and hung out by the SF yacht club and
then headed down to the tourist spots on the pier. I rediscovered restaurants
and dives…I have to admit I’m kind of partial to the dives because they remind
me of my childhood and my blue collar roots.
The bad: I am
fortunate not to have too much bad but what I did have was bad enough to get me
in focus and grounded in life. Let’s start with the most recent….a 1 week stay
in the hospital due to a cyst and a really outrageous fever as a result of a
strange bacterial infection….(still undetermined how I picked up the bacteria)
The pain was excruciating and I have a very high pain threshold. I am still on
antibiotics (mind you I was hospitalized on November 12th and it’s
now December 15th. It just speaks to the severity of the situation).
During the hospitalization I found out that I’m dancing with the devil
diabetes. I have a family history but I’m fighting like hell to manage my blood
sugar this on top of already having genetic high blood pressure.
I’m including the
fact that I had to let go of some folks in 2015, not to a physical death but to
a mental and emotional releasing. I believe Gwyneth Paltrow said it best when
she coined the phrase “conscious uncoupling.” I realized that I hold on to people
or things far too long thinking they’re going to get better or make adjustments…extending
the benefit of the doubt when doubt is all there ever is. I’ve release some
people due to extreme selfishness…they had no qualms about depleting my resources
while hoarding theirs; calling upon me to add stress to my life. You know the
folks who call on you like you’re Olivia Pope (Scandal) to fix their lives only
so you can accommodate their own hedonism. I had to release my own notion of
romanticism and romantic love because not everyone can and will appreciate it.
I had to understand it was born out of my own need….. which leads me to the
ugly.
The ugly: I had to realize that the notion of my “romanticism
and incurable romantic” (oh! Trust I’m cured) was birth from my childhood
insecurities and dysfunction….and it led me to a place of thirst (some of y’all
know what thirst means on a street level but I’m talking about in a Biblical
sense….I had a serious desert experience. I was left to wander an emotional
wilderness to really search my soul and I learned some hard truths but the
beauty of it all is that I lived to tell about it. I’ve gone through it
hopefully I’ve learned all of what it had to teach me and I am so much better
for having gone through it.
I am reborn, refocus and rejuvenated from all of 2015 and I
am ready to taste the fruit that the good Lord sees fit to provide….
How ya livin’?
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