Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Bye Bye Bye By: KB 12.15.15

As the New Year fast approaches I want to take time to self-reflect, in font off course, and address the good, the bad and the ugly of 2014.

The good: I had an opportunity to really just let go and be a kid again. I got out of the house and explored the city and enjoyed a few sites that I had let slip by the wayside. Note to self, you live in an amazing city and you owe it to yourself to explore every hidden nook and cranny; even if you’ve been to the place a thousand times you can constantly see things with fresh new eyes. I don’t like the beach but I love the sound of the waves and the smell of the ocean so I compromised and hung out by the SF yacht club and then headed down to the tourist spots on the pier. I rediscovered restaurants and dives…I have to admit I’m kind of partial to the dives because they remind me of my childhood and my blue collar roots.

The bad:  I am fortunate not to have too much bad but what I did have was bad enough to get me in focus and grounded in life. Let’s start with the most recent….a 1 week stay in the hospital due to a cyst and a really outrageous fever as a result of a strange bacterial infection….(still undetermined how I picked up the bacteria) The pain was excruciating and I have a very high pain threshold. I am still on antibiotics (mind you I was hospitalized on November 12th and it’s now December 15th. It just speaks to the severity of the situation). During the hospitalization I found out that I’m dancing with the devil diabetes. I have a family history but I’m fighting like hell to manage my blood sugar this on top of already having genetic high blood pressure.

 I’m including the fact that I had to let go of some folks in 2015, not to a physical death but to a mental and emotional releasing. I believe Gwyneth Paltrow said it best when she coined the phrase “conscious uncoupling.” I realized that I hold on to people or things far too long thinking they’re going to get better or make adjustments…extending the benefit of the doubt when doubt is all there ever is. I’ve release some people due to extreme selfishness…they had no qualms about depleting my resources while hoarding theirs; calling upon me to add stress to my life. You know the folks who call on you like you’re Olivia Pope (Scandal) to fix their lives only so you can accommodate their own hedonism. I had to release my own notion of romanticism and romantic love because not everyone can and will appreciate it. I had to understand it was born out of my own need….. which leads me to the ugly.

The ugly: I had to realize that the notion of my “romanticism and incurable romantic” (oh! Trust I’m cured) was birth from my childhood insecurities and dysfunction….and it led me to a place of thirst (some of y’all know what thirst means on a street level but I’m talking about in a Biblical sense….I had a serious desert experience. I was left to wander an emotional wilderness to really search my soul and I learned some hard truths but the beauty of it all is that I lived to tell about it. I’ve gone through it hopefully I’ve learned all of what it had to teach me and I am so much better for having gone through it.
 
I am reborn, refocus and rejuvenated from all of 2015 and I am ready to taste the fruit that the good Lord sees fit to provide….


How ya livin’?

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