You Got Me F$%#ed UP

By :KB 10.19.18

You Got Me F$%#ed UP

When a few days after I was born you went behind my mother’s back and changed my name with little regard for my mother or me

A foreshadowing of things to come

You Got Me F$%#ed UP

When you NEVER contributed a dime to my wellbeing as a child and would only show up to things that involved me to stroke your ego

Narcissistic parenting

You Got Me F$%#ed UP

When you beat my mother unmercifully not caring that your 3 children were in the house hearing and seeing it

It’s how I learned nursing from a nurse

You Got Me F$%#ed UP

When in the aftermath of the violence you would disappear to go live with one of your other women with little regard for anyone’s wellbeing knowing good and damn well that my mother could not go to work battered

It’s how I learned to budget knowing there were going to be lean days from missed work

You Got Me F$%#ed UP

Knowing that my mother purchased all the groceries without any input from you and you would sit and fill your belly. When the food was gone you would come home with a steak and eat it in front of your kids knowing that there were only rice and beans or eggs and potatoes in our bellies; after eating your fill of steak you’d offer us the gravy.

It’s how I learned to diet and deny myself.

You Got Me F$%#ed UP

When you’d call the house and say you wanted to do something with the kids and we’d be dressed in our finest only to sit all day waiting for you to never show up. AND YOU LIVED IN THE DAMN HOUSE!

It’s how I learned to deal with disappointment

You Got Me F$%#ed UP

When you did decide to show up, your idea of an outing was for you children to sit in a bar with you watching you drink and talk to other women.

It’s how I gained street smarts and got up on game.

You Got Me F$%#ed UP

When you told me that only ho’s sat at the bar but that’s all I ever saw you talking to

It’s how I learned you were financially inept in dealing with coochie currency, both of you were trade

You Got Me F$%#ed UP

When you discovered I excelled in sports in high school and some of your friends began to murmur that I might be gay and your response was to loudly ask “Ain’t it about time for your pipes to start leaking?’

This is how and when I learned of misogyny

You Got Me F$%#ed UP

When your propensity for violence was cause for my mother to leave the home that she paid with the death benefit from her parents, only to have you sell it and keep the majority of the money

That’s when I knew there were no MEN on your side of the family

You Got Me F$%#ed UP

When 20 years after your death I spoke to a child from your second marriage who told me how wonderful you were while her brother shared stories similar to my own.

It’s how I came to understand Stockholm Syndrome

You Got Me F$%#ed UP

Because you died without ever feeling the need to tell the story of how You Got F$%#ed UP!

You died without knowing that I am gay and I am and everyone I know and love are ok with it.

You died without ever seeing how your delusional sense of self righteousness and importance made your son a carbon copy of you but your daughters rose up to be strong women that would never be a victim to a man like you.

You died without seeing how all of your poor qualities were noted and reversed in that I uplift, extol sisters because without them none of this poem could come to fruition.

You died without seeing that you taught me what not to do and that your ill ways taught me to edify and exhort my love interest letting her know she is my queen

You died without ever knowing or seeing me let EVERY individual I come in contact with KNOW that they are loved, respected and have worth…..

ALL THE THINGS YOU WERE INCAPABLE OF SHARING OR GIVING ARE WHAT MAKES ME WHO I AM

So I guess I really should be thanking you

Because You Got Me F$%#ed UP